laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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