Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize