A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
