She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize