You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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