i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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