i would punch a child for taco bell
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
