the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
