I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
