so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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