I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
