i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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