not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize