i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Use "feeling words"
Yay
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
