now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
