please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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