Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
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