idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I looked at my own cervix.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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