tonight lets celebrate not being married
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Floor bacon is actually really good
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
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