You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
