I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
They have beer where we have blood.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
