Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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