Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
