I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
