I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
