Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Randomize
