Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
3 2 1 whiskey
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Randomize
