If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
