So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
