you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Randomize
