it was like his penis was on wheels.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize