i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
