Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
