Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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