Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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