Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
