4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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