I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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