im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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