I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
