Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Barsexuality is the new black.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
