girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
