did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
