My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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