at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Your topless pictures make me question reality
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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