I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
