She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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