i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
