Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You need Xanax blowdarts
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
