I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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