Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
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