Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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