if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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