tell your sister to shave her snatch
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Every concussion has its silver lining
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
