Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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