so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
