Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
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