he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
