Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
my being single is dangerous.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
