We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Randomize
