when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
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