I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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