he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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