She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize