Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
