I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
